4-08-06 Queens NYC (Jesse Joyce and Ray Devito's Apt.)
Alright! I will try and put into words what happened last night at Carlolines...
2nd show Friday (Drunk Tourism). I'm just about to go onstage and I go into the green room to get some water and there's Sheryl Hines and Robin Williams (They are filming a movie together in NYC and wanted to vist Jeff Garlin) sitting there shootin'the breeze with Jeff. I say hi and go onstage.
The crowd was great for 2nd show Friday but definately on the edge of disorderly.
One dude in particular stood up during my show to yell incoherent nouns. I shut him up quick and went back to material. When I was done Robin and sheryl were gone.
End of story?...
No.
Jeff is onstage about 40 min and drunk guy gets drunker and finally becomes somewhat insurmountable. Just when Jeff annouces that he's gonna wrap up the show, a guy in the back with a conspiciously funny Scottish accent yells...
"Don't give up now Jeff you've got him on the ropes!!!"
Jeff says.
"I wasn't gonna point you out but...ladies and gentlemen...Robin Williams"
Robin comes up and works the heckler
for 5 min and then does another 15 min at the end of which he notices that drunk noun boy is gone...Classic!
After the show Robin comes into the green room and hangs out to talk a little comedy and even a little life. He took great pride in getting pictures with each of us before he left and when we were all talking we just kinda enjoyed making each other laugh, Robin included.
It struck me that Robin Williams showed respect for each of just because we were comics. Sometimes you don't even get that from your peers much less an Idol.
Hats off Robin You make success look dignified.
-C
4-05-06 Queens NYC (Jesse Joyce and Ray Devito's Apt.)
I made it here to play Caroline's on Broadway I'll be here Thurs-Sun opening for Jeff Garlin. Thank you Jeff.
Ray told me to take the subway instead of one of those stupid taxi things...My luggage didn't fit through the turnstyle and I got cuddled for twenty-eight and a half minutes by a Papau New Guinea freedom fighter from Ohio.
Check out the new clips!!!
-C
2-10-05 Mission Viejo, CA
Last night I had the great honor of watching Jeff Garlin at the Improv, Paul Mooney at the Comedy Store, and Mike Faverman in my passenger seat...I Love LA!!! (Faverman Killed)
1-12-06 Temple City, CA
WHY TOMMY RHODES IS KING
Last night I did a show at the Icehouse in Pasadena, CA for Comedytime network. Comedytime is a company that puts 8 min clips of comics on a cell network for download availability. I got my hair cut. When they asked at the hair place why I was getting my hair cut I told them it was so I would look good on the phone. The set went great (I got paid). Billy Gardell and Jimmy Shubert did me the great honor of coming out to check out my set and of course to see Tommy Rhodes who was headlining the event.
Tommy asked the audience toward the end of his set if they would like to hear any of his material again and when they Yelled out "Do the Oprah bit again!" He gladly obliged. Now that's kinda funny if it's a 30 sec joke. The Oprah bit is roughly 3-4 min long. About a minute in the crowd started to forget why this was funny. But that's just when the comics began to really enjoy it. Then at about 2 minutes, the comics laughter turned to loving admiration just as the crowd came back from consulting their comedy sensibilties and paid homage to the unmatched display of not so subtle absurdity with great chortles and gurgling appreciation.
Tommy Rhodes. We salut you!
12-23-05 Coffe shop in Monterey
YOU'LL NEVER GUESS
Not much time to talk. Baby not mobile but very active. She is a human now and it's AWESOME. She's reacting to shit...Imean stuff and giggling alot. Anyway...enough baby talk.
Yesterday evening at 5:56 pm I heard this on the local news channel. "....Tonight. A pastor from the central coast is in Jail. And you'll never guess what for!"
Well, as you might guess, I did guess. And I guessed right. It WAS child molestation. The absurdity blew my mind.
A word to newscasters everywhere. You really should reserve that news teaser for when a man of the cloth is in jail for Jaywalking....unless, of course, there was an elementary school across the street in which case that I could believe.
12-01-05 in the air above Utah
ONENIGHTER BABY
Well we have had a great time learning the whole parenting thing for 2 months. Dani and Piper flew out to Indy to see me and some other family a couple of weeks ago. After that we all did a Muller run together. So the next time you hear an old road dog bitchin' about how he's logged more hours than anyone else or has seen more road or any such sillyness you just ask where he was when he was 5 weeks old. Because somewhere there's a little girl who spent her 5th week on earth doing a one-nighter run in northern Iowa.
Sat 10-01-05 Comunity Hospital of Monterey Penninsula
PIPER LOLA MOULTON
has been born !!!! Today at 6:19am
She's as mellow as book tv and twice as smart!
Man was that an ordeal. She's healthy and Dani's doing great.
I'll write more after some rest.
9-29-05 At home in Monterey
NO BABY YET!!! Holy crap these things take a while. I think Dani's faking. Ive been checking her closely to make sure we don't have an elaborate fraud case on our hands. And you'll be glad to know...she poked me in the eye.
-C
9-28-05 At home in Monterey
BABYWATCH 2005
Piper (our daughter) is 3 days overdue and Dani has been having contractions tonight pretty regularly so I guess this could be it. Who knows at this point. Waiting is fun though. All of our friends have kinda stopped calling. I don't know if they're trying not to bother us or if they're just getting bored with the whole ordeal. Maybe this is the part where all the single friends start to slowly slip away as if babies are contagious and we're got full blown baby!
So I have to apologize for the softball description of the SF comedy competition. I'm over it now for the most part. Losing in the first week sucks no matter who you are and I am not quite the benchmark for painful originality. Let me say this though......
If you ever come to one of my shows and I tell street joke, do an echo of a Deniro impression with no punchline, or do a Louie Anderson/John Pinette/Max Alexander stock line. Please call John Fox and tell him I'm finally ready for the San Francisco Comedy Competition.
Mainly I did the competition so that I could work the Seattle Underground...We'll see.
Well I should get back to the birth pod now to see how she's feeling.
Think thoughts
-C
9-15-05 Motel 6, Sonoma, CA Day 2 of The San Francisco Comedy Competition
Last night was the first night night of the competition. One paragraph sums it up. But you have to sing that paragraph as if it's Cat's in the Cradle. "The comics go to battle and they'll find out soon. Don took first with a Lightfoot tune. Where we gonna stay tonight? Motel 6. Just saddle up and take you licks boy, comedy can be a bitch."
The competition is really strong. I think we're all honored to be sharing the stage with one another. This should be a good year.
Lee Camp and I are hold up in a motel trying to jack wireless from bad neighborhoods and hunting for Starbucks by using our wireless computers like divining rods. Tonight should be good. Wish us luck!
-C
9-12-05 Home
The baby is still lodged pretty tight in there and I'm beginning to doubt that it will make it out of the traditional baby escape route. Dani is sleeping pretty well compared to the guy walking point in downtown Bagdad or Fema's Brownie or Bush for that matter. I told her, "Sweety everyone's having trouble sleeping"
-C
9-10-05 Home
Alright here it is. Yet another commentary on the piss poor leadership that has caused thousands of people to die.
Bush's daughters are even angry with him right now because if he had reacted sooner then maybe there would still be drive through Daquiri stands. I sure hope he's able to, at least, patch things up on that home front.
Bush is a right wing creationist. He has no tolerance for that Darwin guy and his crackpot theory of evolution or survival of the fittest or any of that hippy dippy crap. But I think we can all agree that survival of the fittest sure did work out for him last week in Louisiana cause now he don't got as many Niggas to feed or argue with about civil rights or human atrocities. ( silly niggas )
Translation; Bush doesn't support the theory of evolution unless it helps him with the bottom line.
9-09-05 Home
Welp. Here we are in the foggy, hilly, beautiful penninsula of Monterey. All over run with Crabs and rich people...hard to tell them apart most of the time.
The doctor said that Dani's womb would hold it's occupant for at least another week. So here we sit...waiting for baby.
This has given me some time to think about things. Things like commemorative coins. Have we always had commemorative currency. What about back in the days of trade and bardar. Do the amish have commemorative chickens.
Perhaps the cornish game hen is just the commemorative Rhode Island Chicken. I would never collect coins unless I got a 100% money back guarantee. Oh and the US Mint makes gold bullion. Now that's the soup of the day! Minty fresh wealth with a side of elitism. That's like pissing in the face of the poor and needy.
"Look! I have so much money that I'm going to pay $100 for a nickle. How's that Ramen Darky?!!?
I wish Piper (My daughter) would climb out. I hope she's not ugly. I don't want to have to explain why all the other little girls are getting attention. "Sweety some day you'll make some Man a very stimulating penpal."
Maybe if I buy books like "Daddys guide to being blunt" "how to explain to you daughter the benefits of being less attractive." And just left them laying around the house. Maybe then she would just figure it out and I would not have to engage in any awkward afternoon sitdowns. well hopefully she'll be beautiful and none of this would be necessary.
Wish me luck
-C
8-31-05 Home
Well I'm home from Sidesplitters in Tampa. Actually, I got home about three days ago but I've been sleeping the whole time. Bobby Jewel and the crew give a whole new meaning to jet lag.
To the dude who tried to steal the other comic's rental car. You've got balls scumbag. We were IN the condo. Seamus, the guy whos car it was, thought that the plastic shrapnal from where they tore out the ignition switch, was actual food crums. So we're sitting in the car trying to climb out of the shock of being attempted robbed and Seamus says to me. "...Hey! they were eatin' in here! Look! What is that? Were they eatin' chips? Is that chips?!? Now the weird part of that is the image of one dude actively stealing while his buddy eats Doritos and waves at people. (Thanks Ryan).
I went fishing with Jimmy, Carrie, and Ronnie. I was the only person who didin't have a cute little eeeee ending for my name which made me feel very out of place. But they made sure to make me feel comfortable by letting me catch the only fish of the day...The red tide special...a 6 inch grouper! Jimmy, who happens to be a black man, caught a seagull. So of course the yard bird references were flyin'. "Jimmy caught a 8 piece bucket!" Etc...
Thanks to everybody in Tampa. Crowd and crew. An unforgettable week was had and will never be forgotten.
Thanks for the reference Billy Gardell. I hope I can make Varsity someday.
-C
8-27-05 Tampa Bay, FL. Condo for Side splitters
I'm sitting in the dining room. Saturday morning. Thinking back to last night and I would like to say one thing about Friday night late show in Tampa. "holyshityoucrazysonzabitches" If these people could make alchohol inhalers they would.
-C
DANIELLE (Baby Mama)
DANIELLE UPDATE (Planning the wedding)
7-30-05 Greyhound Seat 34 westbound out of El Paso
Almost 3 months since my last entry...I could make excuses but what would be the point of that? I'm not even sure anyone is listening.
El Paso was fun as always. Bart Reed's Comic Strip is well established and we're treated very well there. Buzz on KLAQ in El Paso had us in for 2 days straight...the weekend was packed. Thanks Buzz! Marc and I each did characters calling in. It's amazing what people think is real.
Manny, or Man-Balls as we call him late at night when we're all alone, is the bartender there and has a cool crib overlooking Ciudad Juarez. At night it's all about the Man-balls hospitality, poker and milk 'till sun up. Goule!!!
The guy who opened for us, Jorge Jimenez, very funny dude!!! You'll see him in your town eventually with his ridiculously hot girlfriend in tow...Mantainance Jorge!!! You're gonna need lot's of shoes and nutrience!
Welp! I think I'm ready to update my clips so be checking it out this coming week.
One more shout out before I immerse nyself back into the world of body odor and thug fashion, hound style. Billy Gardell has become a trusted friend of mine and working with him recently broke loose alot of crap in my performance style. Now I'm learning every week from every comic. Host, Feature, Headliner, Doesn't matter. Everyone has a little something to offer, even if it's what not to do. Here's to the day when we, as comics, can get back to rooting for each other to be different from one another instead of treating every interaction we have as if it's being filmed for a fuckin' reality show "written" by some rag tag group of Gen X camera guys and open mikers trying to hold on to the cool.
Art is not competitive! Being an asshole can be though...nice work guys. Go back to your holes. Obscurity suits you.
C-
5-1-05 Colorado springs, CO Another Panera Bread
Marc Ryan and I and my Father have been performing all this week at Loonees Hypnosis club. Luckily we got one of there special comedian weeks. We have had a blast. We've eaten nothing but Albertacos Mexican food for four days and the condo has become an atmospheric oddity to all those who enter. Three specialists from the University of Colorado came by because they had heard about the unprecidented levels of airborne Machaca molecules. They threatened to quarentine the entire block of apartments but we told them we were friends with famed hipnotist Jac Rene (which we are not) and they said they'd let it slide till we leave town. One of the scientists had been turned into a gay platapus one night and just thought that was hilarious. (Thank God!)
Thank you to Larry, Lila, and Loren. Not necessarily in that order. We did have a great time. Sorry about the condo.
4-23-05 Wichita, KS. Panera Bread (They have wireless)
I have a lot of fun stories from this week like eating a ridiculous amount of raw fish with my father and Mark Payne. The Reddest of all the necks. workingout at Genesis Gym the Wichita original... a gym with a bar. Not a juice bar.. A BAR. Drink up Wichita!
But most improtant of all I would like to thank the fans here in Wichita. You really are a unique group. And the leader of all the fans...CHRIS. He and his loving woman come to every show of the week and sit right in the front row. This week Chris had to miss a couple of the shows due to wrestling on television. I think I understand. At any rate Chris you take the Fan of the month award. Please call the office for your complimentary left-over condo mayonaise.
4-22-05 Wichita, KS. The Condo
Imagine this.
A Comedian (me) notices a guy with his date in the front row. The guy looks conspicuously like the only surviving member of an aging 70s rock band. Naturally the Comedian (me) leans in, out of the blue, and says "You make me wanna listen to Peter Frampton really, really bad!!!". The crowd gets it and laughs. The couple also giggles in a naughty "we know something you don't know" kind of way.
70's boy let's the comedian (me) know that he's engaged and getting married on the same day that the comedian (I) am.
"Wow! What a coincidence." Says the Comedian (me).
"What's your name?" asks the com........alright. You get the idea. I asked him his name.
"Michael Jackson" says the man who intentionally did his hair up before the show as if the lead singer of "Motorhead" was going to personally make sure that "The Do" didn't clash with the leathers before he could leave the house.
Well there I was staring at was quickly becoming the most interesting thing to happen to me since earlier when I was changing for the show.
I promptly asked for ID. Michael was reaching for his wallet before I even finished the question. I guess he must get that a lot.
Finally, as I read the ID I noticed that, with the KANSAS across the top and the picture of Michael underneath in full hair glory. I was holding what looked like a tiny copy of a self entitled album by "KANSAS".
His name was really Michael Jackson and he lived on St. Francis lane. In my mind I naturally made the immediate little boy connection between MJ and the "do as I say not as I do" Catholic name. But would never say such a thing out loud as it is offensive and could alienate me from someone in the audience who still believes that those kids probably had it coming.
The night ended with Michael coming on stage with my Father and I (Dad on drums) and exposing and rubbing his nipple during the entire "Janet Jackson Song".
Wow! Thank you Wichita for the front row wet dream.
-C
4-02-05 Yet another Greyhound
So I am now officially a Greyhound regular. When Collin Moulton arives at a Greyhound fun club anywhere in this great nation, people step aside. There is a great calamity of greetings and nicities and then come the questions.
"How have you been Mr. Moulton? Tell us of the gated communities, the world of German cars and lowfat foods. Please share with us. And when we are done. We will dine heartily on a feast of freeze dried meatlike substances and instant noodles."
"Please let him eat!" someone will say. "His sodium levels seem frighteningly low." Then they will squabble. They wil clash with such gyrating absence of rythm that even Chic Corea would disaprove.
"STOP!" I will say. "Are we not brethren in low budget, inconvenient travel? Do we not all have the same numb patch on our left ass cheek? Do we not all live by the same mantra of no gum popping or feet in the aisle? I submit that each of us here today hold one another in asteem as high or higher than the very reboarding pass that gets us to the front of line that we may not miss the crowded, 5:15 bus to higher understanding.
Then I shall spin my tales of travel in 'PERSONAL CRAFTS" such as "Hondas" or even "Lincoln Town cars". Elaborate stories of customer service representatives showing respect to all those they come in contact with. I will spare them nothing, And when the crowd crechendos to an agitated state of dibelief. then and only then shall I share with them the greatest tale of all...
I will demand order and then whisper the secrets of the stores that sell mysterious products that make people smell good and take away the itching and/or burning. At this point I will decide whether or not to tell them about these miraculous places staying open for 24 hours...in a row. For fear that it will be too much for them to believe and they will discount everything that I have said.
When it is all over and we are saturated with yarns of an impossible world and animal fats that have never seen an animal. It is that moment that shall find me stacking my $30 rollaways with a hurried, spare change filled, farewell. And turning toward gate #3 I'll look back over my shoulder with a wry wink. As if to say...
"fellow urchins, it is here, with you that I look good by comparison. So it will be to this place that I shall return someday to refill your coffers with images and ideas involving less bacteria and more salad. until then, keep your inner ear tuned to the motion of the road and hold in you farts"
C-
4-02-05 A hotel in Memphis, TN
Welp, I've met many people here in Memphis and most of them have asked me if the could have a dollar or my coat. No boundaries in Memphis. Everyone else seems intent on having a good time no matter hom much beer they have to drink to do it. By the way...Hats off to the Gypsies that were at our show last night. That's right actual Gypsies. They call themselves "Irish Travelers". By the end of the night Marc and I called them "shut the fuck up". Hey Gypsies. That people liked the movie "Snatch" doesn't make it cool to be classless, beerswilling, criminals who have no respect for anything they can't eat, fuck, or shit in. It's just too bad they're not aware of the advent computers. It would be nice to think one of them would see this and get offended.
Other than that. Memphis is AWESOME! I really do like this town...more to come about crawfish.
-C
3-30-05 Between Shreveport and Memphis on another damn Greyhound.
This last couple of days has been spent chillin' in rural Arkansas. There's something very relaxing about fishing with old men and playing bingo with old ladies. I hope that I feel the same about it when I'm an old man or old lady. I think that visitors are the only people who think that it is relaxing. Because the little old ladies always seem to be intermittently stressed out about some issue with a board game, and the old men are equally up in arms about some impending doom that has made itself known through CNN and is somehow caused by "all these damned colored folk".
Fishing was a very small part of my "fishing trip" with Danielle's Grandpa.
We spent most of our time driving aroound parts of Arkansas, that Clinton didn't even know existed, Talking about how in July we're going to "Really do some good fishin'".
"Pa" got slowly attacked by two very stupid and very old horses. They kind of mugged him looking for an apple or a carrot. Old guys don't get up quick and these nags knew it. they surrounded him from the back. (So he couldn't get off a cast) nuzzled him here and there while he spouted good Christian exclaimations, then settled for his hat and left him alone.
Bingo Night! Man oh man! I've never...bingo-ed? is that the way to say it? Played Bingo. Well, at any rate, the people of Prescott, Arkansas take their bingoing very seriously. It's as if the knowledge of "The Single", "The Double", "The Blackout", and yes even "The Quickie" is something your born with and then there is an information maturation period between the age 0 and 52. It is at the age of 52 that the world of competitive Bingo becomes an option for you. (i.e. the others begin to take you seriously). If by the age of 52 you haven't been waylaid by some distraction such as, family, a vocation or trade, or god forbid travel and the so called "knowledge of the world around you". You may now enter the inner domain of dawbers and superstitious name calling.
(my spell-check just freaked out on the word "dawbers")
If you've never seen or nation's elderly fully engaged in an all out battle of number dawbing jealousy, go to bingo. You're missing it. You'll know your there when you here "Bingo!...That Bitch!"
I believe that I am strong enough now to admit to both or all 3 of you, whatever we're up to now, that...I can say it...here it is...
I LOVE BINGO!!!
Look for me in your local Bingo hall. I'll be there with my stuffed animals and photographs of people that i love. People who if they were there, and yelled the "B" word, would suffer the full brunt of my envious name calling regardless of my love for them. Because what happens at Bingo...stays at Bingo.
Bingo Rule #1. "We don't talk about Bingo"
03-14-05 Greyhound Station, SF
This morning was spent trying to catch the 8:55 am bus out of Monterey, CA. Ultimate destination...Fargo, ND.
At around 10:00 am I just had to ask. "Where's the bus?" I said. The answer came back in a sort of Mandarin meets English meets Arabic mixture of words and sounds. It was then that I realized. One more cup of coffee and I'll be ready for the 14 th of march, 2005.
Of the words I could decipher and assume were English, the one that mattered most was "Broke". I took that to mean that the bus was non-operational. It could have been used as some sort of explanation for why I was doing business with a transportation company that provides everything but the transportation, in the first place. Regardless "My bus no coming".
The only solution was to drive to San Francisco to make the connecting bus to Salt Lake City. Park in short term and have Dani come pick up the Jeep later that evening.
Short term shading parking-$14
Vending machine breakfast-$5
Hanging out with people that want your sandwich almost enough to take it (if it didn't mean that they would have to "Go Back")-PRICELESS
Hang on I have to prove that I have a ticket SO THAT I can stay here. (Irony). Plus it's sometimes hard to hear the destination of the next bus over the security guards screaming at squatters.
Please tell your friends if I'm playing in their town so that they will buy tickets to the show and maybe next time I can at least ride Amtrak or rent a damn mule with good hygiene.
Oh no I think I can speak Mand-arabic-lish.
1-19-05 Monterey, CA
In looking back over the last few weeks of events, one story sticks out as a good example of what it's like to live your life at the mercy of Comedy Club Bookers, Casino Managers, and Pub Bitches.
A long, long time ago (a week and a half) in a land far, far away (Bellingham, WA).
Alright, to the point. I was recently booked to headline a pub, on a Sunday, about 85 miles north of Seattle, WA. The Sunday, in question, fell directly after 3 nights at the Crazy Moose Casino in Mountlake Terrace, WA. That's right 'Crazy Moose Casino". Someone decided after seconds, perhaps minutes, of deliberation to name their new drinking and gambling establishment after an enormous, out of control, undomesticated, cow with a big ugly nose, and a history of mental instability. Well that's how the gigs went.
Needless to say, after 'The Moose" I was really looking forward to what I understood to be a college town type of crowd.
My pay for the two gigs would be we'll just say 2 and a half chickens for 3 nights at 'The Moose" and 1 chicken for a night at the Bellingham pub. I had already gotten 2 and a quarter chickens (Woops they underpaid me) and was excited about getting my final chicken and going on my merry way.
Enter Bellingham! Up and at em. 7am and workin' (translation still up from the night before). I called the pub in Bellingham and left them a message saying that although we had recieved quite a snow the night before, I was in town and ready to bring home the funny. I also called the booker (We'll call him 'JoAn FoRx") and he gave me the number for the other comic on the bill. (We'll call HIM 'Jake Dill" cause that's his actual name). Please note that 'JoAn" was very reachable at 7am.
11am I awake to the phone. It's the pub manager. (We'll call her KaRthy"). KaRthy was as panicked as a Sri Lankan cement salesman. She said that she was relieved to get ahold of me because she had been trying to reach JoAn FoRx 'for hours". She needed to tell him that the gig was going to be cancelled due to lack of attendance at the previous two nights. Then she said some other stuff too. I'm not really sure what because I was still trying to figure out why she was so relieved to reach ME. I work for the booker and had already gotten myself to the state of Washington. Thus spent money on travel. Thus NEEDED MY CHICKEN! Their contract was clearly with Mr. FoRx.
I believe this is where things began to go awry. I informed KaRthy that if the roads aren't closed or Osama Bin Laden hasn't captured and beheaded the 'sound guy" then I'm the wrong guy to cancel with. Then came the strangest statement I've ever witnessed. KaRthy said 'well you can show up here if you want but we have the right to refuse entry to the building to anybody we want. So if you come here we wont let you in!!!" In 20 seconds I had gone from the dude who's headlining to the guy they're not allowing in the building.
My understanding of the purpose of the marquis is to proudly display the name of your entertainment that evening. However it turns out that in Bellingham if your name is on the front of a building it means your not allowed in it.
When all was said and done JoAn FoRx could not be reached for comment for 2 days, Jake Dill suggested we just go to the pub and do a show in the parking lot then demand payment (not a bad idea). Geoff Lott, the afore unmentioned third comic on the bill that fateful night, went to the pub and checked it out. 20 people showed and I guess just told each other Michael Jackson jokes. He said KaRthy was very nice to him and had seemed to come to terms with the fact that I wasn't coming and she wouldn't have to call the authorities and try to explain why she needed me removed from the premises for being where they told me to be in the first place.
The moral of the story is: When you begin to consider what you can do to be more professional in your industry. Don't Fuckin' Bother!